I originally wrote the following post several days after learning my Grammie, my maternal grandmother, had a stroke. I spent the following days in a whirlwind of traveling, emotions, family and stress. Trying to balance that and work was really trying for me.
I wrote the post and decided to post it privately so that only I could see it, because writing is really therapeutic for me. Grammie has since passed, just shy of her 89th birthday. She finally let go on May 20th, 2015 after being moved back home from the hospital to home hospice care.
My brain, heart and emotions are just exhausted.
My grandmother had a health emergency last week. I traveled a little over 1,100 miles in three days in order to meet up with family and continue the drive to the hospital 3 states away.
It’s exhausting. I am not quite ready to be back with the real world. My mother has spent about a week with her, moving her from the hospital to her home for hospice care. I CANNOT imagine how she must feel. I try to talk to her when I can about how Grammie is doing, but more importantly, how SHE is doing.
It really stinks being in this awkward limbo. I’m sad because Grammie is very weak, and needs caretakers. I’m happy she’s still with us. But at the same time, I don’t know if she’s really alright. Is she in pain? How exactly is her brain and heart function? There’s no room to grieve because she’s still with us..but this will more than likely end her. Especially since she’s refused a feeding tube.
I’m keeping most details brief…but this is healing to me. As I let my emotions and thoughts flow through my fingertips onto the keyboard, I can feel my stress and anxiety loosen up a bit. It still makes me want to cry, and that’s hard. I have cried a little bit, but I’m afraid to cry too much because I want to be strong for my mom. It’s just a hard balance.
I just hate not knowing where I…we go from here. With her health so up in the air, it could float on for a while or end suddenly. That terrifies me.
I guess the lesson to be learned on me here…is that I don’t deal with loss or heartbreak very well.
Say a prayer for me,